Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Randomize
