I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
