You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
