Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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