I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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