i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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