why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
