if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
