A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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