did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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