good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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