I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Randomize
