He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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