She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
