Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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