When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
