you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
