I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
