Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Randomize
