I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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