I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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