I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Randomize
