Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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