I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize