Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
