That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
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