True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Randomize
