Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
