There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
