You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
