he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
