I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
These Dirty People Haven’t Told Their SO About Their Kinky Fetish
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
This is Why People Stop Sex Halfway Through
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.