omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me