I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?