He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I booty called her while she was in labor.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.