I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
