This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
