Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
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