Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
