Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
I like to make sure they know it's casual by giving then a high five after sex
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