It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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