she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
