my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
