I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
