ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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