I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
40s are totally the cure
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
