I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
