I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
