I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize