im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
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