I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
