So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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