I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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