I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
