The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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