you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
it's like iHOP with fire
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
