theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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